I’m afraid of squirrels. I know this isn’t the most popular statement to make in certain crowds, it’s often rebutted with “But they’re so cute!” “They’re more afraid of you than you are of them, silly!” No, they’re not. And no, they are not. And don’t call me silly.
A pack of squirrels once stole my coffee while I was trying to enjoy the sunshine in Madison Square Park (it was hazelnut coffee). In that same park, a posse of squirrels once tried, unsuccessfully, to steal my sandwich (it was on multi-grain bread). Squirrels often poke around the windows in my Brooklyn Heights apartment. I had my niece and nephew draw me “Scare Squirrel” pictures that are currently taped, scary side out, on my windows. A picture of a girl with bloody hair (Jonah: “She’s got bloody hair! There’s nothing scarier than a girl with bloody hair!” Agreed, Jonah). Naomi’s monster screaming “GO AWAY OR I WILL EAT YOU!” They seemed to help for a while, but now those damn squirrels are wise to my “Scare Squirrels” and they’re back at it, poking around, scaring the bejesus out of me when I’m just trying to mind my own business…
One day during Couture 2013, I was visiting my dear friend Shayne in the Stephen Webster ballroom. Shayne was wearing an adorable, squirrel print dress, which prompted me to tell her about my squirrel phobia (officially known as Sciurophobia, fyi).
Stephen caught wind of our conversation and it has since been an endless source of amusement and entertainment for everyone involved. I believe Stephen is currently working on the screenplay for the third in the sequel of our Scary Squirrel movie series, “Rats with Bushy Tails III” staring Katie Holmes.
Yesterday I awoke to an email from Stephen: “Dear Michelle, this is part of my new line called SCARY SQUIRREL. What’s your ring size darling Ha HA HA Haaaaaa Haaaaaaaaa AAAAAA HHHHHHH. (Frightening laughter).” Attached was this original sketch:
Stephen went on to advise me to, “Never try to share nutty things with a squirrel.” And later pointed out, “This poor bastard just tried to make friends by sharing a Nutella sandwich.”
As the day went on, and the deluge of emails that had me roaring with laughter came in, Stephen officially announced, “New collection. ‘Make my Nuts’ based on the Dirty Harry character only this time ‘Dirty Hairy’ as we are calling him, is a dirty, disgusting critter.” Shayne predicted that 8 weeks from now we’re going to see a collection of diamond encrusted squirrel rings in the line. They’ll call it “Tryin’ to Get a Nut.”
I don’t know about you, but I’m into it. I think the squirrel ring, terrifying as it is, would serve its purpose in scaring squirrels away from me, kinda like a gargoyle on a building, or like the owl statues Stephen purportedly placed on top of his house to scare away sea gulls. Money. Well. Spent. And, as Stephen’s Fine Jewelry Sales Director Keenan pointed out, it’s going to go rabid, er, we mean viral. I’m envisioning an entire Park Life collection here, moles and all…